I met a woman many years ago. She’s so beautiful and smart. When I first met her I knew she had something incredibly special about her. I was instantly drawn to her smile and her personality. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders but walks as if she doesn’t have a care in the world. She does so many things and is always determined to do and be more. She is my dream, and yet, her brokenness is a burden I bear.
Despite all that she is, she struggles. Some days she’s on top of the world and checks everything off her list. But some days are so dark that a shower is her biggest accomplishment. Seeing her like this is so hard because no matter how hard I try, nothing helps. On the dark days, there’s nothing I can do for her. I work to cheer her up, give her space, hold her close, call a friend for her, give her meds. Nothing. Where her mind goes is a mystery. It’s almost as if life is too much so it goes blank. I feel helpless, but I made a vow to stay with her. And I will.
Depression cripples her, and anxiety makes her hate herself. When she’s sad, there is no good. The pain radiates through the tears. She sleeps so long to forget the heaviness of her sickness. To ask her to function is too much. To ask her to return to normal can put her in a tailspin. When she’s sick, I don’t know what to do. I can only wait it out and hope she finds her way again.
I want to fix her so badly. I wish I knew a formula or a magic potion to help heal her. She is incredible and deserves to be whole. I know she wants to be whole, too. Neither of us know how to make that happen. But on her darkest days, she’s not all she really is. She doesn’t remember who she really is either. No matter what I do I can’t remind her, because she doesn’t believe me. It’s like she can’t hear me.
No matter what, I’m committed to her. My love for her, our family, our life, will see us through. The good days far outweigh the bad, because I see her true worth. Regardless of the dark times, I choose to stay. I choose her. Dark or light, there’s always a twinkle in her eye. I made a vow in sickness and in health, and she’s worth both.
Today and every day I choose her. I choose to keep fighting, keep trying, keep nursing her back to health. I love her for who she is even when she can’t show it. She chooses to stay for both of us. She is resilient and pushes through. She may be broken, but . It’s what makes her her. She is worthy of my love and worth fighting for. She is mine.
She is me.